May the holidays be gentle
Blurred Photo of a Christmas Tree.
May the holidays be gentle to you this year.
Movies, books, tv shows, and even some of our well meaning friends, depict the holiday season as joyous, loving, and happy. There is so much messaging in the larger world and in our smaller communities that the holidays are a time to be with family. With this social pressure what often gets lost is that for some of us, the holidays were not warm, welcoming, or wholesome. Some of us are grieving, alone, and many of us are adult survivors of early childhood trauma.
Trauma isn’t just a bad memory, it’s a brain injury. Our childhood memories of the holidays may have been filled with yelling, criticism, verbal and physical abuse. You may have experienced bullying and neglect from those that were supposed to care for you and provide a physically and emotionally safe space. Chronic years of emotional and physical abuse, reshapes how the brain functions. Our adult brains are in active and constant fight or flight mode because we’ve been trained from early childhood that people are not safe, that environments are not safe, that we are not safe.
And for many of you who are going home to be with family, for whatever reason, may the holidays be gentle to you and may you be gentle to you too. So take this as an opportunity to deepen your self compassion and self understanding.
5 Things to help you find gentleness in a room full of criticism
Boundaries (these are for you!): Have clarity within for when you’ve met your threshold and remember you have an exit and out at all times. Maybe this year your boundary is you are only visiting for a day and not the week. Or maybe you’ve given yourself permission to leave when the family starts fighting.
Create a gentle and safe place (maybe this literal or imagined): Have a good idea of what safety feels like internally. What does it feel like in the body? What does it smell like, taste like, sound like, etc? What does a safe environment look like for you? Create in your mind if it does not yet exist.
Breathe deeply: The breath is an antidote to stress and intentional breathing can help regulate our nervous system. A regulated nervous system can help us distinguish between discomfort and danger.
Link past to present: Remember you are not the version of yourself who did not have agency and autonomy as child
Recognize your own power: building inner strength helps reshape your own story and helps you recognize when love is not being served. Remember the adult relationships you created that are filled with reciprocity, love, connection, and choice.
You Can Rewrite Your Brain’s Story
Childhood trauma leaves its mark, but it doesn’t have to define your future. Understanding how your brain adapted to protect you is an important step.
If this feels helpful, please share this blog post with someone you love! At Amber Berkins Mental Health Counseling PLLC, I specialize in helping thoughtful, self-aware adults heal from childhood trauma — not just by understanding their past, but by rewiring their brains for a calmer, more connected future.
